Here we are, my last written post was in August. I'm staring at the screen and I have no idea what to write about anymore.
Since this website is for such a small niche, Deaf, Blind, & DeafBlind, it's hard coming up with new topics that hasn't already been done. I've thought of expanding and just write generic stories about family, kids, home, etc. but...Meh.
Someone told me that the average Blog only lasts about nine months and here I am in my second year here (plus several more when I was on Blogger). So that should be an accomplishment. Readers tell me I'm an inspiration and fun to read about....great, thank you, but where and how do I continue?
This burn out is carried over into my daily life too. I just have no desire to do new projects or to continue current ones. I'm not sad or depressed, I do enough to keep up the house and take care of the family, but when it comes to wanting to do something for myself.....Meh.
I do understand that part of it is from me still recovering from a major surgery (I'll be having another one this month or next month too).
Is it from years of not being able to find work? (I can insulate our 1600 sq. ft. attic with all the rejection letters over the years).
Is it from years of "losing myself" and pretty much known as "Randy's wife" or "R & D's Mom"?
Is it my mindset of putting myself last and only buying things for me if absolutely necessary?
Is it from growing cynical and jaded at the general population that automatically assumes low expectations as soon as they find out I'm deafblind?
Is it from years and years of working hard to please others that when it comes to pleasing myself, I have zero interest. I still fall back into this habit of seeking approval occasionally but am working on breaking it.
But I sit and wonder "I'm 46 years old and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life". I try reading books on "finding your passion", but drawn blanks when asked to list favorite things to do, what I liked growing up, etc. I holed myself in my room reading books for hours as a kid, I don't do that anymore, what's that got to do with passion?
I loved horseback riding summer camp every summer for several years, I got a job after high school working in a horse stable. They said they'll teach me every aspect of the job, but after several months my responsibilities were slowly stripped away and given to the other girls and I was reduced to mucking stalls only. I quit in discouragement and disappointment. I wanted to own a pet store "when I grew up", I got a job in a pet store, but again my duties were reduced to only cleaning cages and tanks, again I quit in discouragement and disappointment.
So you tell me, what do I have to look forward to? What should I do? How do I find myself again?